SherrieMarie's dreams and thoughts

Life, loneliness, and love

sherriemarie — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 10:40:16 +0000

Throughout my recent life as I experience it as a woman, I am finding that my pit of loneliness is growing deeper and wider. I have friends, but most are so far away it is next to impossible to go see them. I do have one friend who has always been here for me in my life. She has been the one to help me see things as others see them. She has been my best friend for almost 29 years now. Even though I have her and she is so close, I feel so alone. I love her with all I can love anyone, but it is not the love of a lover, but of a friend whom I trust with my deepest thoughts and secrets. Yet I am in need of much more. I find I need the companionship of a partner. Someone I can be with all the time. Someone I can just cuddle up to on the couch and watch tv. Someone to share my bed with. Someone to share my life with. I am needing the touch and warmth of another person. Their love fed to me as I would feed my love to them. I really have always needed this, but I really have never had this. I have been in relationships. I’ve been married twice, but it never has been true love. Hopefully one day I will find that one person who I will be able to share the rest of my life with. A man who can deal with this unique woman the way she is, and love me like as I am. A man who is strong, but gentle and who will not be afraid to be by my side no matter where we are. One day hopefully I will have that. But until then, I do feel the void of loneliness.

Short answer, Yes!

sherriemarie — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:42:21 +0000

Last night I was telling my wife of our recent financial problems. Surprisingly she didn’t go off like I had expected. Towards the end of our discussion she said, this has caused a lot of problems and difficulties not so much for me although it has some, but for you. Is it all worth it? Loosing every thing you worked for for the past 25 or so years. I told her the short answer is Yes! It is worth it to me. Worth it not to have to lie about who I am or the way I feel. It is worth not having to pretend I am someone I am not. Life is hard enough when you are happy, it is even harder when you are not. Going on as I was before, I was on a path that would have lead to certain self destruction. I was very over weight. I was not happy, and if I had continued I would have probably at some point in the not too distance future been put in the hospital or graveyard due to heart failure or stroke. I didn’t care. It didn’t matter to me that I was almost 300lbs. Not until I decided it was time to quit lying. To quit deceiving myself. So I began at first slowly to try and let myself out. At home first. Moving stuff I had, which was mostly just lingerie, from a place I had hidden it so well to a drawer in my computer desk. At that point I guess sooner or later, the things I had put there would be found. First let me go back about 18 years or so when there was a costume party at a local bar where my wife worked. Earlier that year, I had asked her to let me dress up as a woman for Halloween. Well, she went along with it having no clue at that time of why. Guys like to do that for Halloween sometimes. Ok no big deal. Well, I had insisted that I have no male clothes on at all. No tightie whities under my dress. No I needed panties, nylons and a pretty bra. We went out and got those things, and a pair of heels that fit me from a thrift store. 4″ spike heels. I was wearing those most every night after we had gotten them, trying to learn how to keep from busting my butt, or twisting my ankle. This was the first time I had worn heels that high, but I loved it. Still she had no clue to what was secretly going on inside my head and the way it made me feel. Halloween night had arrived. I got off of work early fortunately enough. Got into the shower when I got home and shaved all the places that would be exposed by the dress. I also shaved my legs. No girl should have hairy legs. My wife did my makeup, stuffed my bra, and placed a beautiful blond wig that she had on my head and brushed it out. One look in the mirror, David was no longer there. It was a woman, or as close to one as I though I would be at that time. It felt wonderful. I was ecstatic! To the bar we went, we agreed we would go in separately that way no one would put the two of us together. She went in first as she was tending bar and needed to get things ready for the night. I came in 5 minutes later. Everyone watched as I walked through the door. No one knew who I was. They only saw a very tall blond. I didn’t speak a word for almost an hour and a half. My wife tended bar so I didn’t have to say what I was drinking. She just brought it to me. Oh and the attention I got from all the guys. I can hardly describe how I felt. I was overwhelmed in how I felt. Them touching me. It was fantastic. The night went on and everyone learned who I was, and it was cool. I won 1st place in the costume contest. This was also a sad night for me, as this would be the last time anyone would see me that way for around 12 years. I put the woman back in the closet, only letting her out privately when my wife was working and the kids were asleep. Yes, it was time to be myself again. My wife working at a bar, so I knew she wouldn’t be home till at least midnight, the kids in bed around 8:30 or 9:00pm. Time for David to disappear for a couple of hours again. This happened most every night she was working. Well before I knew she would be home, I made sure I had put everything back exactly as I had found it. I was very careful in this, as I didn’t want to be caught. Fast forward… Ok we are back to where I had started moving stuff into my computer desk. But not all of it was there. Stuff she never found or saw until I showed her. Stuff that was hidden basically right in front of her eyes. I had bought 2 dresses and had them in the very back of the closet. Well it was New Years Eve 2003, she confronted me about the panties I had in my drawer. Knowing by that time that there were too many for it to be from a girlfriend. The usual questions started. Are you gay? Why do you wear these? So forth and so on. She never asked if I was bi. She didn’t understand and we barely spoke for about 2 weeks after that. Well things settled down and I started wearing my panties around the house. She knows and had sort of agreed I could. A few months pass by, and we are in Wal-Mart in the ladies clothing. She pulls this red blouse off of the rack and to my surprise asks, I suppose you would like to wear this too? I was shocked really, and very quietly replied, ummm yeah! To my surprise she bought it. I couldn’t have been happier. I couldn’t wait to get home to put it on. She had skirts I could wear, although at that time I didn’t know she would let me put one on. Not too long after that I showed her the 2 dresses I had in the closet. She was surprised I had them, and asked how I got them. I told her I had bought them at Wal-Mart. Well a little more time goes by, and I start to wear my panties to work. Before this I wore no underwear. I hated mens underwear. It just didn’t feel good to wear. They were so rough. Panties felt good against my skin. She kept telling me what happens if you have an accident and you get caught. I just replied they are under my uniform, no one can see them. Time goes on, and I am wearing things more and more around the house after my son is in bed. My wife doesn’t like it much but I didn’t care. Time goes on, it is Just before Thanksgiving. I had arranged to have my vacation the week after. We always have the Friday off after Thanks giving so as soon as I got off of work Wednesday night I went and got my ears pierced. Clip on earrings hurt like hell and they were hard to find. Besides that would give me 11 days before I had to remove my earrings and use something that couldn’t be seen. 40lb test mono filament fishing line. It is clear and was the right size. There were a few days I couldn’t do this because my ears didn’t heal like I had thought they would. I always healed fast and though that my ears would do the same. Well I was wrong. The holes almost closed on me one day when I lost the fishing line in my ear. So I had worn the small studs to work. Soon after a company policy was put in place. No person working in the field is allowed to wear earrings. So I got some clear nose hooks that were the right gage and used them till my ears were heeled enough to be able to remove my earrings during the day and put them back in as soon as my last call was done. Soon after I started shaving my body. No one noticed that till on of the daughters of a guy I worked with notice I shaved my arms. Nothing much was said about that. Then I started getting manicures. Clear polish of course. This was noticed. People around me started to see me change. Well eventually I started dressing all the time at home, and even going out to the stores on occasion to get milk or something. A year or so went by with me doing that till one day the boss came to me and said people were talking and laughing and making jokes. He said I can’t take this anymore, I have to let you go… Shocked I was fired for something I wasn’t doing at work. This gave me the time to reflect, and in January this year 2008 I decided to be myself full time. I had been taking hormones for the past couple of months before I was fired, and was taking herbals 10 months before that. I had made the decision to be myself to become the woman I know I am inside. Trying to make my body match what my mind says I am. Now here we are today. I am full time a woman. I am happy, and I am proud of who I am. No longer hiding. It is worth it to me. Is it worth it to be happy… Short answrer, Yes!

Another day

sherriemarie — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:35:45 +0000

Today is another day, much better than the past two. It is not time to quit. I still have to go forward, I still have to fight. I have friends, I have family and they are there when I need them. I am who I am and that isn’t going to change. I am proud of who I am. I am happy with who I am. True it seems like every time I try to go forward something pushes me back, or is in the way. So I’ll just sidestep, letting what is pushing past and letting what is in the way go beside me. I am strong. My foundation sound. I am not going anywhere. I am here to stay, like it or not. This is the hardest thing I have done in my life, but it is also the most meaningful to me personally. To be able to be myself and be free of the false facade that I had put up for so many years. I have much life to live and much life to give. I’m not giving up. Perhaps it is time to keep going. My clock has plenty of time left on it. I have plenty of fight left in me. I don’t give up so easily, though in the flood of tears sometimes it feels that way. The tears have past for now, and the storm subsided. It is time to go do what I have to do. I do believe it is time for major change again in my life, even though I may not be quite ready. I can do it, I can make it, I can survive, I can live, and still be me.

Perhaps it is time

sherriemarie — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 12:30:13 +0000

Perhaps it is time to let go, to give up. I can’t go back to who I was, but it seems I can’t go forward either. It seems every time I think I am going forwards, I am actually being pushed backwards 10 times as fast. It seems I am all alone here. No one to reach out to, or anyone that seems to really care. When I think I have time, time runs out. No money, no job, and now no unemployment to help. Unemployment runs out not because of time, but because of credits. I guess my game has run out of credits. Maybe it is time I go hide, run away. Or perhaps it is time just to disappear forever. Everyone said how strong I am, but now there are serious cracks in the structure. The foundation is crumbling, and the building is sure to fall. Left in a pile of rubble to sit and decay. Is it still worth it? Is it still worth fighting? I’m not sure anymore. The world is against me. If I am to survive, it may be as other girls have in the past by prostituting themselves. Perhaps to be beaten and killed like so many others before. That is only surviving, that is not living. I know I could never do that. I’m not sure I would even try. Perhaps it would be better to die. Perhaps it is time. Perhaps my clock has run out of time. Perhaps I should never have been. Perhaps I shouldn’t have even tried. Tried to be myself, tried to make a change, tried to live my life finally free to be me. No one reads this anyway, so I guess I really have no need to fight anymore. Perhaps it is time…

Parental Scrutiny

sherriemarie — Tue, 27 May 2008 13:51:28 +0000

Ever since I told my parents about my transitioning and gave them access to my 360 page and my myspace, I feel trapped. It is difficult enough to blog about things, most of which I could care less if they read. It is the scrutiny that I usually get from them that is a problem. I know they mean well and are concerned for my safety and wellbeing, but the constant reminder of why I should go back to what I cannot go back to is too much to take sometimes. I don’t blog anymore because I know they will read it, and I am afraid of what they may say or misconstrue out of what I say. I do have thoughts and wishes and dreams that I am sure they wont and cant understand. I cant talk about my girl friend n Virgina. She is my one true love. However she is another TS like myself, and it is pretty clear that I may probably never be able to say. Mom, Dad, this is my girl friend… I cry myself to sleep a lot, knowing I can never fully be myself around them. I am afraid that if I had been dating a man, that I wouldn’t be able to introduce him to them either. I am really no longer able to talk about my life with them. There have been times I have thought what if… The what if I never came out… what if I just went away… what if I were to go away and never come back… Not suicidally! I would never do that I don’t think, no matter how bad I felt, although I do feel and understand why some do. The emotional pain is so intense at times that it is almost unbearable, I do have one thing to be glad about though. At least I do have my parents. I know quite a few of you have lost yours because of transitioning. This has got to be the most difficult time of my life. but it is also the happiest. At least I am myself now, no denial anymore, although I do still find myself depressed at times. Mostly out of loneliness. Missing my girl friend immensely, and unable to be with my friends because they are so far away. I do have one friend who is close enough for me to see, and I see her most every day. She is my best friend, and the one who I confide in about all of what I feel and need. She knows me so well she can tell me what I am thinking and what I am going to do before I do myself. Mom, Dad, if you read this, remember I do love you, and need you in my life.

Hello world!

sherriemarie — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 11:11:15 +0000

I think it is time I introduce myself to the world. I am Sherrie Watson. A mid 40′s transsexual male to female who has managed to come out of her shell the last few years. It has been a very hard road with several ups and downs, but even with all of that. I couldn’t be happier. There are so many things in this world that need to be fixed. Firstly people need to be educated about who or what we are. We are not preditors or porn stars. We are your neighbors, and would like to be your friends. Hatred and bigotry has come a long way in this world but it still isn’t perfect. Fortunately I have had very good experiences as I have transitioned into the woman you see today. I have made a lot of very good friends along the way and managed to maintain my relationship with my family. Yea!!! In all of this I have been quite fortunate, and I am grateful every day for all I have. Sure I have lost a lot too. My job as an air conditioning technician of 22 years for one, but there I believe was a reason for that. If that had not happened, I would not have been able to fully become the woman I have always been inside.

Anyway, I would like to thank Lori Davis for inviting me here so I can voice my opinions and for you to get to know me.